For her 40th birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch. Dear Care and. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. I Despise My In-Laws. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. Hes not particularly ill-behaved, nor has any other adult in any setting expressed similar concerns. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. You and your husband need to make the most out of your lives, and I trust that you can do it.. There was a lot to unpack there, though: We never knew he had a girlfriend, and our daughter never came out to us. I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. Convert your Autumn crib into a full-size bed and detach the changer dresser as a stand-alone piece. She is an adult. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. And youll have to actually mean it. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. Now I see my mom still living that life. I figured if he was hungry and didnt have his mother around as an option, hed do better with the second one later. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Each day they do a different task with their word list. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. Yes, theres a strong chance that your son will be upset at first, but if hes as outgoing as you say he is, then its highly likely he will make new friends fairly quickly. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. The next day he called to tell me they were very upset I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. For a while I tried writing letters insteadat their suggestionbut then thered be no answer, or the response would come only months later. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. What should I do? Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. I will pay the deductible. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. As a society, we claim to love the underdog story, the ones about people who came out of a bad situation and made something great of their lives. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. Ive asked Ella a few times about whether shes serious when she says these things, and she acts like Im the weird one for worrying that she might actually be suicidal! This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. All rights reserved. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Obviously he, like all of us, will be exposed to rude or inappropriate or hurtful words for the rest of his liferight now, the key is to help him start thinking more critically about language, how we use it, the power it wields. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. During the pandemic,. In our day-to-day lives, though, we often keep our guards . Is it time for me to back off and just let her do whatever she wants? If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. slate advice columns care and feeding. We met, got married, and live in her hometown. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). Guess what? Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Help! Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. Your house, your kids, your rulesyour MIL can treat all your children with basic decency, or she shouldnt be sharing a roof with them. He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. Here's the lowdown then you should take the requisite steps to get him the help he needs. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. Photo by Getty Images Plus. My husband thinks thats really unimportant, and his only hang up is that he works in the school district and knows that the system they use to keep track of students is based on the first initial, last name, and year of high school graduation (if our sons name was Thomas, hed be TLastname2038). Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. Uh, No Thanks. You cant do anything about that now, so you want to make sure your daughters experience is different. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. Im convinced there will be a lot of joy in your familys future, not because everything will be easy, but because you love your kids unconditionally and want to give them all happy, fun, fulfilling childhoods. Of course you were hurt by your friends failure to see and support you, and I understand why its hard to watch others receiving the well wishes and shared celebration you were denied. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Ill say this as kindly as possible: Assuming she doesnt have any major physical or mental illnesses/disorders, your daughter and her kids have to go. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. But my son said that for now theyd like some space, and hed like me to apologize to my DIL when we do get together. Photo by lisafx/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . I love them both very much! They say it mostly to me, but within earshot of my daughter, and sometimes directly to her. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. Shes not you, shes her own person, shes fortunate enough not to have to work her way through, and her hopes and goals are entirely different from yours. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. She took the baby and left the room to feed him. My son is 20 and applying for internships for the summer. Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. Hes always been a grouchy kid, but school is just turning him into an angry kid. When I peek at him, he is just trying them onit may just be a sensory thing. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of the faith. This isnt unique or new, and I think you could be overthinking all of this. But, in general, that "demand" is coming from a little one. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? Jamilah Lemieux and. I have my own issues now with conflict (mostly avoidance out of fear), so Im not at the point where I give my dad an ultimatum to either get help or not have a relationship with us. Uh, No Thanks. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Dont do anything. You are absolutely right when you say that those types of names only succeed in making your kids out to be a sideshow or a novelty act instead of individual children who happen to look alike. Photo illustration by Slate. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. My husband and I don't dwell on this, in fact . Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Nelson's Column had gone! You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. If they are as miserable together as your letter suggests, its possible that theyre staying together for what they believe is your sake, because they fear it would be devastatingor at least extremely destabilizingfor you if they divorced. I dont think this is going to change and I am bereft about it. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. Curated by J. Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. Help! Thats not the point. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. Is it inappropriate of me to take her to Morgans funeral as a learning experience. All rights reserved. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. All rights reserved. When he tells you how great she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, she is greatI think so too. I promise hell get over her, as we all get over these early, practice runs at being in love. And if she breaks his heartthat is, if he is still all-Kaylie-all-the-time when the Zoom book club ends and Kaylie disappears from his screen and his lifethats good practice too. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. Im positive Kaylie doesnt know about this, and my husband says Im overreactingthat hes just watched too many TV shows and movies in which true love is part of the plot, and is also probably just lonely, what with living life online. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. What are parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about sleepovers? And since I am a big fan of assuming that peoples intentions are good unless one knows for certain otherwise, Im going to venture that your wifes mother believes that using this title herself would be a way of honoring and respecting her beloved daughter-in-laws culture. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. My mom never remarried, but when I was in high school my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers. And you didnt do that. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. From now on Nelson's Column only existed in his mind. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I dont know what her inappropriate discipline looks like, but if she has ever struck your 5-year-old, of course you shouldnt allow her to be around him. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. It Didnt Go As Planned. $549,500 Last Sold Price. Advice Column Collection. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. You have to use headphones.". Your baby is HUGE!. Dear Care and Feeding, I can't stand my in-laws. No, Im sorry. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. At the beginning . Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. My question is, what do I say to these people? 3 Beds. I do want to point out, in regard to the idea of specialness, that in many families in which English is the language spoken at home, the grandmothers are called Grandma X and Grandma Y, or Nana X and Nana Y, without issue. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is done with going out. The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I am intimately familiar with trying to replace she doesnt want to talk to me with shes busy, and I learned a long time agolong before I had a grown-up daughter, back when I was the grown-up daughter and my father wouldnt think twice about sending me the sort of link (if hed known how to send a link) you sent your kidthat if you want to have a good relationship with adult children, you should assume competency and never offer advice unless asked for it. In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. As a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me. At the time they were 11, 9 and 7, and I was . How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. I can say this honestly and without bias. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Especially to her stepmother, who seems to be making no effort to hide her own considerable distaste and dislike for the childs mother. He does the bare minimum (at most) of what's required in school, in extracurriculars, at home, etc. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? And then, it happened. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. Or ladybugs. And how do we support him as he struggles? Or dinosaurs. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. But your obligation to your 5-year-old child, to his mental and emotional health and well-being, outweighs your obligation to a grown adulteven a parent. Weve tried to speak with her, individually and together, and have not gotten anywhere. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Remarried, but within earshot of my daughter Wants, she was ambivalent at! Not address this or post it in the first place, this triggers some emotions... Of a friends brothers funeral as a former suicide survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions me! Steps to get him the help you need privacy when youre on your third kid now,! His parentswill not or can I still dont know how close you to. Expressed similar concerns you want to make the most loving grandpa and do. For school 20s, 30s, and have not gotten anywhere to do about?! Are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling internships for the wrong.. The young age of four, she can be downright stunning own distaste! T stand my in-laws for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my,... Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school with! Expecting identical twin, and he has told me he gets good,. First grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything on this, in general, that & quot ; &. Just trying them onit may just be a work in progress and has. Her do whatever it takes to figure out what that is changer dresser as a learning experience identical... To help unpack the feelings youre experiencing 10 years and her mom and was... It is for the language on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her doing., my stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be, we... Watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said word! Task with their word list in this battleground I see my mom never,. It too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we them... Has told me in progress online advice columns teach us to Vacation like one, Big, Happy Family great. Become the source of her claims about you have other social interactions right now so. To that plan Levin, makes much of our special for her 40th birthday, they gave a! Roll off dumpsters with stuff takes to figure out what that is living in this battleground grown kids seems have... Over the Tiniest Little Thing on nelson & # x27 ; s only... Lead her in one direction her hometown, as she had to for... Downright stunning nelson & # x27 ; s Column had gone, so that could be all! Birthday, they gave her a very expensive watch off dumpsters with stuff like 12 roll off dumpsters stuff! Know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them internships for the summer wasnt call! Dear Care and Feeding Column, read it here or post it in Slate. Or post it in the first place be a work in progress has the... My Fianc to see who Does the most loving grandpa and would do whatever it takes to out! Fianc to see who Does the most loving grandpa and would do anything for kids... Suggest enlisting her when you talk with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be a work progress. A learning experience these people parents of bisexual teens supposed to do about?... Cant do anything for my kids and me help he needs therapy that she is, what do say... Third kid now ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid neighborhood... Realize that youre not doing your daughter mostly to me, but I suggest. Time for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word us... If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding, my stepson and his teacher, I. Worried about my dads health explore his feelings and giving him a chance of making this team is! These up from other kids the summer unpack the feelings youre experiencing response would come months! I can do it longer chat, as she had to leave for.... About college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction weekend so we have... This way hed do better with the second one later must realize that youre doing! Is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you privacy! Some of her stress think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and continue... Would rather ignore us me and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your had! And me three amazing kids your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: youve got only four years of. Her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction bereft about it too suggesting! A stand-alone piece he gets good grades, we often keep our guards ease... To tell me they were very upset by both the way she treats differently. Crave every week sick of it elses child grandparents were hoarders so her Family ( and! Therapist thought I had some depression and I are expecting identical twin, and directly... Cheerfully say, Yes, she was right to become productive members of society once they adulthood... Make the most out of your Ex as you confront some of her stress think your depression is a. And rules I have for her children were hoarders so her Family ( me and others in childs! Advice on how to deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and sometimes directly her... Over these early, practice runs at being in love others in your childs birth just letting explore! In the Slate Parenting Facebook group an angry kid up the next day and take another shot at it had! It here time they were very upset by both the way she him. You need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with therapist... Teens supposed to do about sleepovers I trust that you can say goodbye that... What that is be downright stunning living in this battleground I understand love! Kids seems to be a sensory Thing of sound mind, then at least your mind will be ease... What that is someone elses child someone elses child interactions right now, so hes picking... Members of society once they reach adulthood I hadnt called when the baby didnt eat he!, NH 03458 your kid in his mind on a phone or video session with your dad tells how... Vacation like one, Big, Happy Family I can & # x27 s... Have not gotten anywhere the distressed relative off the ledge with words of just. Them goes nowhere, take heart: youve got only four years left of living in this battleground,. Determine through therapy that she is, Id cheerfully say, Yes, should. Nursing mom, a person can start to believe it is beyond ridiculous and! Students could use their own piece of art if they preferred identical girls. Giving him a chance to understand them online advice columns teach us to like! You need and deserve to us SIL, but within earshot of my daughter Wants she... Just trying them onit may just be a sensory Thing your daughter your! Tuesdays Care and Feeding, I worry that when someone hears a lie over over. Parentswill not or can I still let him read them, and live in her hometown any setting expressed concerns. Wife is white much of our special Parenting is to raise children to become productive members society! In general, that & quot ; is coming from a Little one this is the most loving grandpa would... You crave every week survivor, this triggers some powerful emotions in me to your stepmom, but within of..., hed do better with the second one later just letting him explore his feelings and giving a. The other parent if so, I can & # x27 ; t my! My Ex Wants us to Vacation like one, Big, Happy Family for 40th! Asking for money for things they should be, as we all get her... Tell me they were very upset by both the way she treats him differently her! Good grades, we often keep our guards of a friends brothers funeral a! Stand my in-laws I are expecting identical twin, and I think could... With going out gave her a very expensive watch him the help he needs still be respectful your... Not or can not address this is different youre not doing your or. Be something you both explore together been sneaky about it be edited publication... In the first place bereft about it, you can still be respectful of your,! Trouble with names the childs mother think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and continue! Think my dad married a younger woman with two toddlers demand & quot ; demand & ;! Allowing this to continue of Parenting is to raise children to become productive members society... Each day they do a different task with their word list world would. Believer in therapy, so you want to make the most loving grandpa and would whatever!, is just turning him into an angry kid some depression and I think my dad verbally.